Have you ever given your best to a connection and it never seems good enough to your partner? I see this at least once a week in my practice. He/she will come in and talk about how they feel drained from non stop giving, rather than getting anything in return. To make matters worse, their social circle is all but non-existent now because they are trying to make their partner happy. I tell them that they’re in the right relationship, just with the wrong person.
How does this happen? We have someone who is about to settle down and commit to a higher degree in a connection. Then they pick a person that has no desire to reciprocate. Okay, but how does that occur? It typically happens when a well minded individual will over compensate just to maintain a relationship. The sad fact is that women do so over men. And if they do not get the attention and love they’re expecting, soon afterwards all men become dogs making Raccoon Noises.
This is a crucial point in the evolution, or the beginning of the decline in their mindset for the rest of their relationships to come. Either they get bitter towards the opposite sex assuming they are in a heterosexual relationship, or decide to make better decisions in the future. We have all heard the term “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” Same principle. Stop giving away your love when it hasn’t been earned.
I believe that so many of us are willing to do just about anything in order to not be alone. But the real crisis begins when you are in a less than wholesome relationship and feeling alone anyways. With that said, raise the bar on what you find acceptable behavior in a relationship. Okay, so how can you do that? We have to train ourselves to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. The fantastic news is that this procedure does not take long.
You begin by passing on occasions or hanging out with people just for the sake of having something to do. If you aren’t a big drinker, yet you’re spending your evenings in a pub, guess what? Feelings of fulfillment will be far and few between. If on the other hand you were to do something more in your wheelhouse despite being alone, you’ll begin to see the difference in your mindset. Sure, at first you’ll miss the business of another person to share it with. But gone are the days of feeling disrespected, not heard or just plain being emptied. And if you stay with it, you’ll soon realize that you will not tolerate being with people and in environments that leave you feeling off.
By doing this, you immediately discern who takes away or adds value to your life. I am not talking so much about the everyday people in your life. I am referring to the person you spend everyday with in a committed relationship. There are going to be people that all of us will need to endure who are energy zappers. However, the person you partner up with should under no circumstance be one of them. And yes, there will be times when your partner zaps you also. But if you’ve completely invested in this exercise, your spouse zapping you will be a rare event.
Thus, if you should end up in a relationship where you are the only one committing. Perhaps it’s time to try this exercise. Because in the end of the day, nobody needs to be in the right relationship with the incorrect person.